Sewing

Warning: Idiotic and Morbid. Kind of.

Once upon a time there was a stupid girl named Liptch. She was socially retarded and also kind of ugly.

One day at school, Liptch's teacher told her that there would be a gigantic test the next day. Liptch was horrified, because it was for a subject she absolutely hated; sewing and embroidery.

When she got home, she decided to study. But oh dear! she didn't understand one bit. She hated sewing and she didn't really bother to listen in class. She looked at her book and sewing kit blankly until 1 a.m. in the morning.

Liptch decided to just leave it be and then study early in the morning. She was so tired, so she went to sleep.

The next day, her alarm rang really loudly into her ear at 6:00. Liptch got up with a start, switched off her alarm and went back to sleep.

At 8:00, her older sister sister Jill came into her room and roared into her ear.

"IF YOU DON'T GET UP I'LL SMACK YOU WITH A FRYING PAN! WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!!!!!" Liptch jumped up and ran to change.

School started at 8:30, and she had no time to study or even brush her teeth. She pulled on a purple T-shirt and a pair of yellow pants. She didn't brush her hair.

"YOU LOOK AWFUL!!" her younger sister Ruby said to her. Liptch looked at her clothes and groaned.

Liptch started up the stairs to change but Jill and Ruby pulled her away. "It's too late," they said. They climbed into Jill's car and sped off.

"You really look awful." Ruby said to Liptch.
"You didn't let me change!" Liptch protested.
"There wasn't any time, you dummy." Ruby replied. "As a result, you look like an utter freak."
"Yes you do." Jill agreed.

Liptch looked away and sulked until they reached their school.

When Liptch reached her classroom, the teacher was already teaching. "Sorry I'm late, teacher." Liptch mumbled. The teacher, a pleasant sort of lady, just nodded and smiled at Liptch.

The other people in Liptch's class stared at Liptch curiously, thinking her a strange creature. As the day wore on, the sewing test loomed closer. Liptch was quite worried.

Finally, it was time for the last class of the day. Sewing and embroidery.

"Now, don't be worried, because this test is fairly easy." The teacher said, passing out paper, coloured thread, needles and pieces of cloth.

"Just answer the questions and then start on your sewing. I'm giving you an hour and a half. Okay, you can start now."

The test started. Liptch was extremely worried. The questions on the paper were extremely unfamiliar to her. She started to panic.

She decided to start sewing first. She tried to poke the thread through the eye of the needle and after about twenty tries, she made it go through.

Next she poked the needle through the cloth and started to embroider the cloth unsuccessfully. The whole cloth was a series of knots and tangles and her test paper was devoid of any writing save for her name and the date.

Why is life so hard? she wondered. She hated herself for not studying and being so stupid. When the test was over, Liptch ran to the bathroom to cry in peace.

She cried and cried until her phone started to ring. It was her sister, Ruby. Liptch answered the phone, saying hello very shakily.

"WHERE IN THE WORLD ARE YOU? WE'RE WAITING AT THE CAR!!!" Ruby shrieked. Liptch said okay I'm coming and then she hung up. She grabbed some toilet roll and went out, wiping her nose and eyes as she ran.

When Liptch climbed into the car, Jill started the engine and they went onto the main road.

Ruby and Jill then started to talk about something very 'exciting'. They seemed to forget that Liptch had made them late to go home.

"I can't believe you were nominated class president! That is so cool!" Ruby gushed to Jill. Jill smiled modestly.

"I can't believe you're now going steady with Harold!" Jill said to Ruby. Ruby giggled.

"I can! I just can't believe it happened only today!" Both sisters giggled happily. Suddenly they both seemed to realise that Liptch was in the car.

"Oh, so how was your day, Liptch?" Jill asked politely.
"Awful." Liptch said.

Jill and Ruby were silent. Then they started to chat about something else. Liptch sniffed and then closed her eyes, feeling exhausted.

The next day, Liptch's sewing test results were passed out. She looked at the paper warily and received an unwelcome shock.

"2 out of 50!?" she exclaimed, horrified. The other students looked at Liptch and snickered. The teacher hurried to her desk.

"I'm sorry, Liptch. But you didn't do very well. Maybe you should've studied more?" she said softly. Liptch's head was swimming. She stood up blindly and stumbled towards the door.

"Where are you going, dear?" the teacher asked. Liptch looked around wildly, her mind spinning around in circles.

"Away... away..." Liptch mumbled absent mindedly. She walked out of her class and out of the school, across the road and through the trees in Morris' Wildlife Forest right to the cliff at the end of the town.

"Away... away..." Liptch repeated. She slowly walked towards the edge and presently fell, silently and quietly, until she was no more.

The princess who ate frogs (and got married at 16)

There is a princess who eats frogs. She has frogs for breakfast (on toast or with eggs), for lunch (in sandwiches), dinner (in pies or with pasta) and of course, for a midday snack (fried and crunchy).

She is a frogaholic. She can't live without frogs.

Lately, she has been reading up on Japanese food and she thinks the idea of sashimi is fantastic. She creates some fusion food and voilà, frog sashimi. To her it's absolutely lovely.

One day, as she prances about in her garden after a picnic near the pond, she notices a golden ball in the bushes. She gives a cry of delight and picks it up. It is shiny and smooth except for a section on which a frog is engraved.

The princess (whose name, by the way, is Aliesa), is overjoyed. She kisses the ball and runs back into her palace, leaving her picnic things for the maids to pick up.

For the next few days she plays with her ball, rejoicing over it's froggy beauty. The intricate pattern is something she has never beheld in her life. She loves the ball.

One day, she decides to have another picnic by the pond. Who knows, maybe she'll find another golden ball?

She sits on her picnic cloth, her legs properly crossed. Her maid sets out a plate in front of her and then lifts the lid.

OH NO! What Aliesa saw was horrifying. It was one of the most terrible sorts of things one sees.

"YOU'RE FEEDING ME CHICKEN??" she screams. The maid cowers in fear.

"It's all we have in the pantry, your highness. The-the frogs have run out. There are no more in the kingdom. You've eaten the lot."

Aliesa stares at her maid (whose name, by the way, is Jainee), aghast.

"NO MORE FROGS??" she shrieks. Jainee nods and then runs away, afraid for her life. Aliesa stands up to stamp her foot angrily.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOoooo!!!" Aliesa screams into the sky dramatically.

"Excuse me, but you've disrupted my nap."

Aliesa looks around, scared. "Who's there?"

No response.

"I'll report you for trespassing!" Aliesa threatens.

"Like they'd arrest a frog!" The voice scoffs.

Aliesa yelps. "I'm going mad!" she says. She looks around frantically and then sees a golden frog reclining on a rock.

Aliesa screams, long and loud. "Oh JOY!" she says gleefully.

The frog smiles, happy to have found a friend.

"Well hey, I'm Pablo and I'm a prince, but a random guy on the street put a spell on me and made me a frog. If you kiss me then I'll turn back into a prince. I guarantee you, I'm hot."

Aliesa looks at Pablo, bemused. A talking frog? Who is really a prince? Aliesa laughs.

"Alright, I'll kiss you." she says. She picks his squishy golden body up and puts her mouth on his puckered lips.

He smells so delicious! she thinks. Suddenly, he is out of her hands and smiling at her dreamily.

"Wow, you are hot." she says. Pablo the prince previously a golden talking frog flashes her a gorgeous grin and nods.

"Of course. Now, I just have one more thing for you. If you agree to marry me, I'll stay a handsome prince forever!" Pablo gives her a nervous smile.

Aliesa thinks for awhile. "I'm only sixteen, y'know." she says to Pablo. Pablo shrugs.

"I'm only nineteen myself. Anyway, I have no time to look for a princess my age. I need to get married before the clock strikes midnight!"

Aliesa thinks again. "Alright." she shakes Pablo's hand firmly. Then Pablo pulls her into his arms and they embrace.

They gaze into each other's eyes for a second, then they run off into the sunset to get married.

So they live happily ever after.

THE END

Vernon and Abilene

We first saw them in school. Everyone noticed them. They were the topic of the day. Vernon and Abilene, they were called.

My friend Mariane was the first to see them. She said she was quite intrigued and she came straight to tell me.

Vernon was hot, all the girls thought so. Abilene was quite strangely pretty. She had red lips, dark brown hair and yellowish eyes, like a cat.

At first I thought that they were together. But they were brother and sister and that made me glad.

They were new to town. Their aunt was opening a café here. We were quite glad, because our little town had only two public eating places, and we were getting bored.

Mariane and I decided to befriend Abilene. Partly because she seemed pretty lonely, and partly because her brother was awfully good-looking.

She turned out to be quite friendly and kind of sweet. She invited us to visit her house after school. Mariane and I were quite enthusiastic, because that meant seeing Vernon.

The 'house' was above the café so we had to use a stairs to go up. The staircase was quite dark and it smelled of wet dog.

"I'm so sorry about the smell." Abilene said. "My aunt likes to dry things in here." We said that it was okay and we went to Abilene's room.

It was a very small room, because each family member liked to have their space. Mariane and I stood around, not knowing where to sit.

Abilene dropped her bag on her bed and sat on the floor. Mariane and I sat down too and we looked around awkwardly.

Then, "Hey you girls want to try one of my aunt's recipes? They're really good." Abilene looked at us expectantly.

I panicked. I wasn't hungry, but I didn't want to seem rude. I looked at Mariane. She pursed her lips. "All right, but we're still kind of full from lunch."

Abilene shrugged. "That's okay. C'mon." She rushed out and Mariane and I followed. Abilene led us downstairs into a narrow hallway.

"Aunt Francesca! Aunt Francesca!" Abilene shouted. My ears stung from her roar. Mariane giggled. A figure emerged from a cupboard.

I gasped. I couldn't help it. Aunt Francesca was a sight to behold. She was tall and skinny with dark red lips and orange hair. She was wearing a fuchsia dress and purple platforms. I shuddered.

"Why hello!" Aunt Francesca said, red lips parting into a smile. "Hello." I squeaked. Mariane waved, obviously speechless.

"These are my friends, Mariane and Louisa. We go to the same school." Abilene said. Aunt Francesca grinned a big red grin.

"Fabulous, my darling. How do you do, ladies?" Aunt Francesca peered at our faces. She smelled like cabbage.

"Fine." I gulped. Mariane nodded. Aunt Francesca laughed and moved away. Abilene rolled her eyes and walked to a big yellow door.

"Follow me." she said. "Aunt Francesca has made some cake. Would you like some? It's absolutely gorgeous." I turned to look at Aunt Francesca. She was nodding furiously.

"All right." Mariane said. I nodded. We went through the yellow door which led to the kitchen. It was bright and colourful. Aunt Francesca went to the fridge and pulled out a container.

"Here we are ladies." Aunt Francesca opened the container and pulled out a cake. It had purple frosting and brilliant blue sweets all over.

Aunt Francesca cut slices for us and squirted lovely big puffs of whipped cream on top. It looked and smelled wonderful.

Abilene gave us forks and and she started to eat. "What flavour is this?" Mariane asked politely. Aunt Francesca smiled at us. "Blueberry Violet." she said, putting the cake back into the container.

"You mean the flower?" I asked. Abilene laughed. "Yeah! It's really good." I shrugged and took a forkful.

"It's delicious." Mariane said, showing purple teeth. I tasted the cake. It was absolutely wonderful. The cake was so soft and fluffy.

"It is lovely." I agreed. Then I felt something in my mouth. It was soft, like the cake, but it was sort of furry. Was it a petal? Making sure no one was looking, I spat it out.

What I saw gave me a stomach ache. What in the world was this? It looked like a piece of clumped fur. I touched it and shivers ran up my spine. I sniffed it and wrinkled my nose.

"Something wrong, Louisa?" Aunt Francesca asked. Should I tell her? I wondered. I looked up at her. She looked dangerous. "Nothing, nothing at all." I said.

By now I had lost my appetite. Should I continue eating the cake? I looked at Aunt Francesca again. She was chopping a piece of meat with a large cleaver.

I forced the cake down my throat. It now felt like glue, a sweet sticky painful glue. When it was finally in my stomach, I felt like throwing up.

I looked at my watch. "I think I have to go now." I said. I hadn't seen Vernon at all, but I didn't care. I wanted to escape. My stomach was queasy.

Aunt Francesca's face fell. "That's a pity. I was going to make some soup." I shook my head. "I'm sorry. But I really have to go." I made my way to the door.

I put my hand on the handle and turned it. "NO!" Aunt Francesca screamed. I jumped. Aunt Francesca ran over to me and smiled apologetically.

"I'm sorry. That's the pantry. The back door is here." She opened the door and I went out.

"Bye dear. Come again soon." Aunt Francesca waved and I ran home, throwing up on the way.

Many days passed before I would allow myself to visit Abilene again. It was the opening of the café, and Mariane had pleaded with me to come.

Almost everyone in town showed up for the grand opening. When the ceremony was over, everyone was given a complimentary dish for the day.

The food was fabulous. I was so happy that I didn't find any clumps of hair in my soup.

Later, as the adults talked, the teenagers went out to hang. Mariane and I were really glad to see Vernon. He was soooooo hot.

Mariane and I liked to sneak looks at him and then giggle like a couple of babies. The only bad thing was that Vernon was always flirting with Gail Andrews, a random girl in town that no one had really noticed before.

Up until now I hadn't noticed how pretty she was. No wonder Vernon liked her. Mariane and I were pretty jealous about it though.

The next day, adults were exclaiming about how great the food was in Aunt Francesca's café. In school, students were talking about how Vernon and Gail Andrews were together.

A lot of the girls were quite upset to hear this, including Mariane and me. Hot, beautiful, gorgeous Vernon was going out with invisible Gail Andrews?

All the girls decided to drown their sorrows in ice cream sundaes in Aunt Francesca's café. We agonized over the loss of another hot guy to some stupid girl.

We ate and ate, determined to gain weight and be sad forever. When everyone had finished their sundaes, we all went home, feeling better.

The next week, we found out that Vernon had dumped Gail Andrews and he was now dating the most popular girl in school, Katie Grey.

Gail Andrews came with us to Aunt Francesca's café and we drowned her sorrows in hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows on top.

"Stupid Katie Grey stole Vernon from me!" Gail Andrews wailed. We commiserated with her and then we went home, feeling angry with Katie Grey.

All the girls wanted Vernon. Abilene always rolled her eyes when we mentioned him. "He's just a stupid mindless boy." she said.

But that made us like him more. It made us feel sorry for him, for having such an unkind sister. We all wanted to be the girl in his life.

One day, when we found out that Vernon was onto girl number 6, Laura Finch, we decided to go visit our cry café and eat some chocolate cake and maybe have some bacon sandwiches with extra fat.

On the way there, I met Abilene carrying a box. I stopped to talk to her.

"Hi Abby." I said.
"Hey Louisa." she said.
"What do you have in your box?" I asked.
"Oh, um I found some kittens at the side of the road and uh decided to save them."
"Oh that's sweet. May I see them?"

Abilene nodded and opened the box, revealing six adorable kittens, mewing noisily. I gasped in amazement and stroked an orange, yellow and white kitten's head.

"Oh, may I have this one?" I asked. "It's soooooooo cute!" Abilene looked at me doubtfully. "Will your parents allow you to keep it?"

I nodded madly. "Yes yes yes!! Please, Abilene." I petted the tiny kitten's head. Abilene thought for a while.

"Alright." she said. "You may take it." She smiled at me.

"Oh thank you thank you thank you! This is wonderful, Abby." I picked the kitten up and stroked it.

"Could you please tell the other girls that I'm going home? Thanks Abby." Abilene nodded and we parted ways.

I walked home, gently stroking the kitten. It was beautiful, beautiful. I named it Abby, after Abilene. I was so happy! I knew Mam and Pa would allow me to keep it.

The next day at school, I asked Abilene if Mariane and I may go to see her kittens. Abilene looked at the floor and didn't say anything.

"Oh, sorry. We're not going to take any. We just want to see them. May we, please?" Abilene shook her head.

"They, uh died." she said softly. "Oh no! That's horrible!" I said. "Oh, I'm sorry, Abby. I didn't know. I'm so sorry." I patted her on the back and she nodded.

We decided to go to our cry café and go have some chocolate sandwiches. We ate and talked and soon we started talking about other things and we felt better.

Soon, the year passed. Abilene, Mariane and I were all best friends. Life was pretty good. Vernon was now a notorious heart breaker.

We all thought him evil and horrible. One girl had actually been found dead a few days after we had visited our cry café to lament over the dangerous and hypnotizing boy. We all supposed that chocolate couldn't even mend her broken heart.

As for me, I stayed away from him as much as I could.

One day, a got a phone call from Mariane. "Vernon asked me out!" she squealed. "Are you serious?" I was absolutely shocked.

"Please tell me you said no." I said. Mariane giggled. "Of course I said yes. He is soooooooo cute!" I was shocked. How could Mariane do this? Didn't she know the evils of dating Vernon?

The next few days were awful. Vernon and Mariane were going out? I couldn't sleep. He was going to hurt Mariane, I knew it.

A week went by, then two. Mariane was gushing about how Vernon was taking her to the school dance. I was horrified. Mariane had been my best friend for years and years. I didn't want to see her hurt.

Then, the expected happened. Just a day before the dance, Vernon dumped Mariane. Mariane cried and sobbed and wept and bawled and screamed.

I kind of felt sorry for Mariane and so I took her to our cry café. We ate lots of chocolate and cream and smack-talked Vernon. Then we went home quite satisfied.

As I was doing my homework that night, I received a phone call.

"Hello?"

"Hello, may I speak to Louisa?"

"Ye-es, this is she. Who is this, please?"

"It's Vernon, Abilene's brother."

SHOCK!!

"Yes, what do you want?" I asked coldly.

"I was wondering, um, doyouwanttogotothedancewithme?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you want to go to the dance with me?"

"No."

"Please? I really like you."

"No."

"Why not, Louisa? You're usually so nice."

"Are you seriously asking that question?"

"What? I'm just asking you to the dance."

"You're sick."

"Huh? How?"

"Don't act so innocent. Leave me alone, please."

"But--"

"Goodnight, Vernon."

I hung up. What did he take me for? I gritted my teeth and forced my mind away from him.

The next day, I went to the dance with Mariane and we observed the dancers and couples. I saw Vernon dancing with Francine Moore. He was talking and she was giggling flirtatiously.

"What a freak." I muttered.

The day after, Abilene wasn't at school. I was wondering why the whole day. She didn't answer my calls and her house appeared to have visitors. Hmm...

I puzzled over it until I saw the newspapers the next day.

A certain café had been shut down after being inspected due to suspicious activity. Apparently, instead of using normal ingredients, they had been killing various other animals for meat, such as cats and dogs because they were cheaper.

At a recent health inspection, carcasses of kittens, dogs, mice, goldfish, and various birds were found in the storage. It was said that the various animal furs and feathers had sweet and delicate tastes, enhancing the flavours of cakes, beverages and ice cream.

The café had been closed down because of hygienic and health reasons. "Some people could've actually died, because of the chemicals used to slaughter these animals." Inspector Percy Holiday said.

Suddenly, it all came back to me. The hair in my cake, the wet dog smell in the hallway, the door in the kitchen, the girl dying, the kittens in the box. I felt sick.

All these weeks, I had been consuming-- pets. I gagged and ran to throw up.

I knew I was never going to feel the same again. I couldn't believe I actually befriended Abilene and used to have a crush on Vernon.

Now, people tell the story of the brother and sister who came to our town long ago to anyone willing to listen.

"We first saw them in school. Vernon and Abilene, they were called..."

Promise

The broken promise
She made to him
To love him forever
Nothing but a whim

He was in sorrow
He loved her so
She pushed him away
And he watched her go

Her heart was broken
She missed him a lot
But he was over her now
The 'love' had stopped

He'd cried for months
She for days
Life was difficult
In many many ways

For the broken promise
She was to blame
But why did he love her?
And she the same?

(composed on 2nd Sept '07)

Report of an argument

To: The Principal
From: Jasper Esmerelda Horace-Jones
Subject: Argument
Date: 29 January 2009

I was jogging in the hallway trying to lose weight when I came across a loud crowd. I made my way through and to my surprise, it was the school's most famous best friend forever group, the 'Famous Fabulous Five.'

It consisted of Marcy May, top baby-sitter, Bob Benny, world record corn eater, Deeny Dun, the school's garden expert, Cool Cara, the winner of the hottest female student poll, and Todd, the richest and most popular student.

Usually they attracted attention, but what surprised me was that they were arguing! The triple F Best Friends forever club members never fought. It was their policy.

I decided to stay and I soon found out that Deeny Dun, had stolen Bob Benny's corn paste and shared it with Cool Cara. But Cool Cara had told Marcy May and now Todd was siding with Deeny Dun.

They screamed and berated until Todd punched Bob Benny's soft stomach flab and he keeled over. Girls screamed loudly. Then more chaos ensued.

Cool Cara accidentally stepped on Marcy May's new leather sneakers and they started yelling at each other. Then Bob Benny body slammed Deeny Dun and she fell over and destroyed Todd's brand new hairstyle.

Todd started shouting at Deeny Dun and then he gave her a bloody nose. Deeny Dun fell back and collided with Marcy May. Marcy May then scolded Deeny Dun for staining her new designer blouse with blood.

Marcy May said, "Just because you're a garden expert doesn't mean you have to soil my blouse!" Her lame excuse for a joke was so pathetic that Todd sided with her. Then Cool Cara stamped her foot childishly because she had a crush on Todd.

Then Bob Benny gave Todd a black eye because he didn't believe in taking sides. But the final straw was when Deeny Dun pulled out Bob Benny's stolen corn knife and threatened to injure Marcy May for farting on her face.

Everyone shrieked and a finally a teacher came running. He interrogated them and then quoted to them some wise words proclaimed by the famous pop-star Giselle Lewis.

" 'The word friend stands for Patience, Acceptance and La-di-dah. The greatest acronym of all time'. It's my favourite quote."

So the triple F best friends forever club was saved. If Mr. Jacquard hadn't come, the school would have gone to pieces. Mr. Jacquard's wisdom and great memory saved us all.

The Famous Fabulous Five said sorry to each other and promised to always remember the acronym for friend:

Patience, Acceptance and La-di-dah. The greatest acronym of all time.

Reported by: Jasper Esmerelda Horace-Jones


(composed 29th Jan '09)