Frederick the Count

So for my book I got a bit bored so I decided to make one of my characters write a cheesy romance. Though it's not so much a cheesy romance as much as a really bad one.

I decided on posting it here, since this blog doesn't receive as much love from me as before. However, this story may very well just lower the overall known standard of my writing, but whatever, you be the judge.

Dedicated to my sister Christen Koh, lover of romance and other weird things.

One fine day, as Frederick the Count was pacing in the strawberry fields, he noticed a girl at the river. “Why, what is that person doing?” he asked himself, as was his habit. “I know everyone from around here, so whoever could she be?”

He hurried over to the river to take a closer look, but alas! When he arrived, she was nowhere to be found. He noted that it was very strange and that he needed to find out who she was. She seemed to be quite beautiful.

The next day, he went to the strawberry fields again. After pacing for about 40 minutes, he saw the girl again. He squinted at her and saw that she was doing nothing. She was sitting, and she was staring, but her hands seemed to be idle and her legs were absolutely still.

Frederick the Count stared at her as he went closer. He did not want her to get out of sight. However, when he arrived, she was not there at all!

“I am seeing a mirage,” he said.

“No you are not” a voice replied from behind him.

Frederick the Count turned around and came face to face with the girl. She was lovely, and he felt himself go weak in the knees. Never before had he seen such beauty on a woman.

“Excuse me; may I know your name?” Frederick asked gallantly.

“Why should I tell you? You are just a stranger.”

She was feisty. Frederick the Count smiled.

“Why, I am not just a stranger, I am a count. Allow me to introduce myself. Frederick the Count at your service.” He bowed, using the suavity that he tried out only on the most special women.

The girl clutched at her throat, seemingly touched. “Well, I suppose I will have to see you again if you want to know my name,” the girl returned, suddenly walking off.

Frederick the Count grabbed at her hand and stopped her. “Please do not leave. I must know your name,” he said desperately. “No” was all she said. She then pulled away from his grip and ran away, being too quick for the Count.

Frederick the Count could not wait to see the lovely maiden again. He recalled her lovely brown eyes and wavy chocolate hair. She was perfection itself. He could not stop thinking about her. All day long he dreamed about learning her name. He dared not even guess what it could be. He already knew that it would be something that would amaze him greatly.

The following day, he went out to the strawberry fields to meet her. At 7 a.m. he was there, but there was no sign of the charming girl. He waited until midnight to see her but she never came.

The next day and the day after that he did the same thing. He went to the fields in the early morning and waited until midnight for her, but the lovely girl was nowhere to be found.

On the fourth day Frederick the Count wept. He was afraid for himself. He knew that he already was so in love with the girl, that even if she never came back, he would never stop going to the strawberry fields every day. His devotion touched even his assistant’s hard heart. It was amazing.

Finally, on the fifth day, Frederick the Count saw his maiden at the river. With screams of joy he ran towards her.

“My love, oh my beautiful love, I have found you at last,” he said happily, holding her in his arms. “Where were you whilst I searched?”

The girl smiled into his face, tears in her eyes.

“I was testing you. Only if you had really loved me you would have come unceasingly, and you have. Did you think of me always, my dear Frederick?” The girl smiled amidst her wet eyes.

“Oh, my love!” Frederick the Count exclaimed, wiping away her glistening tears. “If thoughts were mere glances, I was staring at you the whole time.”

The two embraced passionately, and Frederick the Count kissed her gently.

“I love you, and I love you. Will you marry me, my beautiful love?”

“Oh Frederick! I never thought that you would love me so deeply! Yes, yes, a million times yes, I could never say no to love’s happy ending.”

The two kissed deeply again, and they walked off happily into the sunset, ready to plan a beautiful life together.

The End.

(By the way if you were wondering, her name is Bianca. I just thought of that. Isn't that a pretty name?)

unfortunacy

WRITERS BLOCK

Cucumbers

Once there was a morbidly self-obsessed girl named Opal. Tall, thin, and quite unstable, she had frequent dizzy spells and random fainting fits. She was quite scary in actuality. But then, this story isn't about her; no, it is about the curious man who lived next door.

His name was Oliver, a kind, quiet, even handsome sort of man. Or at least that was what he seemed like on the surface. No one really knew him. Even his surname and other particulars were not made known to the public.

He seemed friendly, but no one dared to call on him or even wave hello. He was kind, but rather threatening. No one felt easy around him, and some even speculated crime and drug usage to be in his past.

They were almost correct about Oliver's strange disposition, but in everything else they were very deadly wrong.

Oliver was actually the second-in-line prince of the land, who had come looking for a wife from a little town. Commoners attracted him, and he wanted to marry a sweet, responsible, frank woman with good character and a quite possibly a very beautiful face.

But then, these things are very hard to do, especially when you're an undercover prince in a foreign town where people think you're mentally deranged. It was difficult, but Oliver had learned to adapt to these naturally upsetting things.

Now Oliver, (whose real name was Henry Roberto Thomas John II) had been thinking about this girl named Georgiana, a rich girl with good prospects and a pleasant temperament to match. Georgiana was almost his dream girl.

Oliver had watched her go to school every morning, where she would go to teach the children English and sewing. Oliver loved her dark red hair, glittering green eyes, creamy complexion and tinkling laugh. All the normal fluffy stuff guys interest themselves in.

But she did have a pleasing figure and a lovely countenance. She was almost perfect, and Oliver was mad about her. He could never stop thinking about her. He wanted to marry her, but there was one downside to all his planned wooing. Everyone in town was afraid of him.

Oliver was so tempted to reveal his identity but that was a bit too risky. Maybe people would make false declarations of love or assume artificial friendships. Another downside to this would be the ensuing vanquishing of his freedom.

Oliver was quite stupid I suppose; he wasn't much of a planner, as this situation proves. Well anyway, Oliver finally decided to go ahead and court Georgiana. He wasn't sure how to do it, but he resolved that he should carry out this trying task.

So on the nearest morning of a school day, Oliver waited in his garden to greet his lovely lady. He spotted her from afar, and he so he quickly practiced some suave facial expressions. But alas! Opal, his neighbour, spotted him and went to ask him a question about vegetables.

"How do you get your tomatoes to be so red?" Opal asked, her monotonous voice scratching the insides of Oliver's ears.

"I don't grow tomatoes," Oliver stated quickly, turning his head so that he would be facing Georgiana when she came. But still, Opal was quite unaware of this.

"You grow capsicums," she said.
"Mm," Oliver said, glancing at the ground for a second.
"How do you grow those?" Opal asked.
"I don't know."
"But- they're in your garden."
"So they are."
"Are you going to tell me how you grow them are are you going to stare at Miss Georgiana the whole time?"
"Yes."
"What?"
"Mm."
"You like Miss Georgiana."
"Mm."
"You like Miss Georgiana?"
"Yes!" Impatiently.
"You like Miss Georgiana!"
"HAVEN'T WE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THE FACT THAT I LIKE MISS GEORGIANA?!" Oliver screamed.

Georgiana looked at Oliver shyly before hurrying away, embarrassed. Oliver was extremely humiliated. He glared at Opal and stormed into his house.

His plans had failed, and Opal was to blame. His anger flamed as he stewed in his living room. Opal; stupid, asinine, interfering, careless Opal. He clenched his fists and punched his table.

Then he stood up and when to his room to contemplate his sorry life. It didn't do him any good. He was still angry, and he wanted to do something drastic. He sorted it out in his head, and he was very very sure that Opal would not get in the way of these plans.

So for the rest of the day, he tried on all his black tight clothes and finally found the right pair of jeggings and turtleneck. He looked kind of weird, but he was quite sure that no one would see him.

At 9 p.m., Oliver set out from his house and crept over to Georgiana's house. He knew her bedroom window and he peeked in. Georgiana was lying on her bed and writing in her diary. She was the kind of person who would read aloud whatever she wrote, so Oliver had the privilege of knowing what was on her mind.

"...It was very strange today, when I was walking to school and I heard Mr. Oliver declare that he likes me. I don't know what to make of that though. He is handsome and quite amiable, but he quite scares me. There's something so formidable about him. Also I don't know if Mamma would let me marry him, for he's so poor!" At this Georgiana closed her book and went to brush her hair.

Oliver sighed happily. He felt he had made the right choice. He felt so enamoured by Georgiana's innocent and truthful speech. He then remembered his plan, and he was justified in his heart. "I'm doing the right thing," he thought confidently.

He jumped off the tree he was sitting in and ran all the way back to his house. When he was in his garden he glanced at Opal's cottage and shuddered. "I'm doing the right thing," he told himself.

Oliver ran into his house and grabbed an axe, a shovel and a packet of chloroform wet wipes. He was very afraid about what he was going to do but he was very determined to carry out his task.

He ran out and in about 5 hours, he completed his task. His hands were very dirty and very bloody but it was worth it. He was shaking very hard. He hoped no one would be too angry with him. He dropped into his bed with a heavy heart, anxious about what people would say.

The next morning, he was woken up very early by a great knocking on his door. He rushed downstairs, half-asleep. When he opened the door, he was greeted by a very irate Opal.

"WHAT IS GOING ON BETWEEN YOU AND MISS GEORGIANA??" she demanded. Oliver peered outside and looked at his garden lawn. He couldn't help but laugh.

"YES, I WILL MARRY YOU!" were the words written across his lawn in broken branches and various leaves and roots.

"She must've hurt her delicate hands from all the cutting!" Oliver exclaimed, glancing at Opal's now bare lawn save for the glaringly obvious large brown holes of uprooted trees.

"You should be glad you didn't touch my pumpkins! Those are the only vegetables I can properly grow in my garden!" Opal shouted.

Oliver ignored her. Georgiana was now walking towards his house. He proceeded towards her and breaking out into a run, he broke out into a big smile.

Georgiana ran too, faster, until the two of them met together in a crushing embrace. "I don't care whether Mamma lets me marry you! I suddenly love you!" Georgiana declared. Oliver laughed and kissed her face, too intoxicated with excitement to care about his big secret anymore.

"Georgiana, I've got something to tell you," Oliver said. "What is it, dearest?" Georgiana asked, resting her head against his chest.

"I am not actually named Oliver," he said nervously. Georgiana looked at him, surprised. "I am truly Henry Roberto Thomas John the Second! I am the second in line for the throne!" Georgiana looked at him and laughed.

"Oh Oliver, I don't care! I'm just overwhelmed with my strange, overflowing love for you!" Georgiana exclaimed, in her frank, innocent way. Oliver laughed, his fears relieved. He kissed her again and they two of them embraced there in the middle of the road, ignorant and oblivious to the world outside their very own.

Opal stomped her foot at them and ran home, despairing over the present condition of her barely-thriving potatoes.

So I can safely say, with the exception of Opal and the landscape crew, they all lived quite sweetly ever after. The End.

Yellow yarn

"Hello everyone! I am Rocky the clown! You want to see some magic tricks?" The children screamed. "Yes, yes we do!" they chorused.

Rocky pulled a bouquet of flowers out of his box. "Beautiful!" he exclaimed. The children laughed, fairly amused.

A flock of doves flew out of the clown's box. "Oh dear!" he shouted, while the children giggled madly. The clown gave a sad face and bumbled about while the crowd voiced their immense pleasure.

Meanwhile, somewhere at the back of the swarming crowd of toddlers and parents, a curious young lady stared. She was very interested in this little show.

She slowly pushed through the crowd and went nearer as her heart thump-thump-thumped. She blushed as the clown looked all around, once looking straight at her.

She grabbed a seat near the front and looked at the clown, fascinated. She couldn't understand why she was feeling so flushed and nervous.

Then she realised. The girl was amazed. She was in love. Oh dear. With a clown? What would her dear mother say? For a moment she was afraid. Then she looked at him again, and her heart fluttered.

After the show was over, she looked around frantically for him. This is madness, she told herself. She was in love with a clown? What was so wonderful about him?

She thought it over in her head. He had a nice voice, and his shirt was cute. Other than that..? She couldn't understand why, but she loved him so.

Then, she spotted him by the desserts table. With her heart beating ever-so-quickly, she approached him. She was blushing quite terribly.

"Hello," she said shyly. Rocky looked at her and smiled.
"Hello there! What's your name?" She blushed.
"My name is Barbara." she replied.
"Aww, how cute! Want a balloon?" Barbara's heart fluttered.
"Sure. I mean, yes. Please."

Rocky laughed and pulled a pink balloon out of his large shirt pocket. He pumped it up and sculpted a poodle. He handed it to Barbara and gave her a sticker with it.

Barbara giggled nervously. Was he trying to say something to her? She moved closer to him. Rocky raised his eyebrow.

"You want another balloon?" he asked. Barbara shook her head and pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear, smiling sweetly in a nervous manner. Rocky looked at her, his eyes wide open.

"Are you...?" He made motions with his hands. Barbara gulped. Could he... tell?

"You're funny." Barbara said, her voice shaking slightly. Rocky looked uncomfortable. "I like your-- doublet."

Rocky was feeling a little creeped out. "Umm, I--"

Barbara smiled, a great big smile, displaying rows of lightly yellowed teeth. "I liked your, uh show. It was... cute."

Rocky gave her a stern look. "How old are you really?" Barbara licked her lips. "Not much younger than you," she giggled.

Rocky was losing his patience, and his hunger was killing him. "Please tell me now." Barbara closed her eyes for a few seconds.

"Fifteen," she said finally. Rocky wrinkled his nose. "I'm eleven years older than you," he said, quite disgusted.

Barbara smiled slightly. "That's okay," she whispered. Rocky glared at her, his stomach rumbling. "You are too young and too immature for me. Please leave me alone and go back to your mother."

Barbara was taken aback. "But--" Rocky put out his hand to stop her. "Please," he said.

Barbara's eyes filled with tears. Was the clown rejecting her? She started to sob. "But-- I-- You-- We-- My mother-- This--" Rocky removed his gaze from, and Barbara abruptly turned and ran, her heart aching painfully.

Her first ever rejection! From a clown no less! Barbara sat by a large white pillar and wept, her eyes and feelings hurting from all her recently inflicted pain.

How could she ever love another now? Barbara looked down into her lap and wiped away the tears from her eyes. All hope had been lost, and would be so from now on until the end of time.

Misery's diary

I'm an idiot for believing that he shall ever return. No, he's gone, and it's all my fault. I was far too careless with my words. Cassie's always scolding me, calling me thick and useless. Dania tells me that I'm too unaware. So yes, I agree that I am those unpleasant things, and more. I hate myself for being so stupid.

Then, of course, there's this whole issue of missing him. I'm disallowing my worthless self from missing him. He was Dania's, anyway. I mean, she did dump him, and he was never mine--only almost--so I am not allowed to retain any more wistful sentiments in regards to him.

I did fancy that I loved him, and he me, but those were silly thoughts. He was still mad about Dania, and was I just--oh my, yes--the rebound girl. Oh no. To think I believed that he was interested in me.

Oh I am a reckless fool. Like as if he would care for ugly, senseless me. I never struck his fancy in the least. Oh all those times we talked. I thought we were going somewhere. What a pretty little mess I had been making. Oh asinine me.

But there. I need to stop dwelling in the past. I was a fool, and he left. End of story.

Oh that fateful day. I know where I went so horrible wrong. I now know. I really am a senseless fool. I should never ever ever in 3 billion centuries have mentioned that offensive little word, but I did, and I shan't ever forgive myself.

Tragedy

Cole was pining for Denise. She was pretty with a lovely figure and irresistible eyes. Only she did not know him. That was why Cole pined for her so.

Denise was with Jay, a hot guy with very chocolaty abs. They were a beautiful couple; even Cole thought so. Still, he pined for Denise.

Denise sang. She was a marvellous singer with voice-belting techniques and a voice that spanned four octaves. When Denise sang, people fell in love. When she sang, Cole pined for her.

Then one day, Jay broke up with Denise. He wanted to focus on his modelling career and Denise was killing his opportunities.

Naturally, Denise was deeply upset. She decided to go to get some coffee and some fatty foods. She took her car out and drove to the 'coffee and tidbitz' shop.

She ate and drank ravenously. She was immensely depressed. "Stupid Jay," she thought, all the while Cole pined for her.

When Denise was driving home, a newly-licensed driver hit her car and it spun numerously, ending with a loud crash. Denise died in the ensuing flames, and her misfortune was named by police as 'reckless suicide'.

Cole was shattered. How he pined for Denise.

Eviction

I've decided to discontinue my 'Odd' series. Reasons being mostly because it's rather stupid and foolish. I won't delete them but I'm telling you, you will not enjoy reading them.

That's all, have a nice day.

Locket

Once upon a time there was a girl whose name was Doris. She was a nice girl, with a pleasant countenance. A good friend and all that. She was just your average nice girl except for one thing. She had a terrible taste in men.

When she was just sixteen, she had met this guy who was around 18 years old. He seemed like an okay guy, but he was in reality an alcoholic. He drank beer everyday and reeked of body odour. Doris fell terribly in love with him.

He's cute and funny, she said. He's wonderful and kind, she said. She was wrong. He killed himself two weeks after he had met Doris due to insobriety in the kitchen.

When Doris was 19, she fell in love with a boy in her art class. He was 17 and very immature. Doris liked him because he was nerdy and 'cute'. So Doris was very kind to him. Too kind. He found out about her crush on him and he went mad after that. He killed all his father's cows and buried himself alive.

When Doris was 22, she had her first boyfriend. He was horrid. He was rich and snobby. He hated children and ate smoked octopi for dinner almost everyday. Doris was so madly in love with him that she didn't care that he hated her family.

People said that it was a good thing that he had gotten into a bar fight and got his face burnt off. He then died because the face transplant surgery was an utter failure.

One would think that Doris would have been mortally sad by now. But noooo. She had found a dude online who, after 6 'successful' online dates, had proposed marriage. Yes! she had said, without hesitation.

Her family pleaded with her. Refuse him now, they urged. He could be a serial killer! Doris ignored them. She was certain that she had found the one.

Doris went to the airport to meet him. He was tall and lanky and he smelled like old clothes. Doris hugged him and in five days they got married.

His name was Lance, and he was a weird person. He ate white bread for breakfast, salad for lunch, and a chicken drumstick for dinner. He didn't tell jokes, he didn't clean his messes, he bathed once a month.

Doris got awfully tired with him, but she put up with it. Then one day, he just disappeared from the face of the earth. No one could find him. (or was it that no one wanted to find him?)

Doris became lonely. She wanted someone to love and to cherish. Someone to pay her bills. Reluctantly, she went to find a job.

She found work at a boutique near her mother's house. There she met a charming young man named Jonny, who was extremely handsome.

He was an effeminate lad of about three and twenty years of age, terribly vain and remarkably rich. Doris was madly in love with him by the time he had browsed through three clothes racks. He had sparked her wild fancy and she hoped that he would be a regular customer.

The next day he came again, with a classy black handbag made out of silk roses sewn together. He bought some pairs of skinny jeans and a cream blouse from the plus size woman's section.

Doris loved his boldness. She could barely hold her excitement in when she was asked to serve him at the counter. "Cash or credit?" she asked, her voice octaves lower than normal.

Jonny smiled suavely, his beautiful white teeth visible. Doris nearly fainted. "Credit please." he said, his voice dripping with loveliness. Doris gulped and stared at him for a long time.

Jonny's smile was growing less happy. "Excuse me," he said to the other shop assistant (her name was Kristen, but that doesn't matter). "I want to buy these."

The latter looked at Doris and growled in anger. She begrudgingly went to serve Jonny and told her boss later. Doris got fired.

Doris was upset, but that wasn't going to deter her from seeing her beloved Jonny. She skulked around the boutique everyday to catch glimpses of the one her heart loved.

One day, about two weeks after Doris' job had been terminated, Jonny walked into the shop with not a designer handbag on his arm but a very beautiful woman. Doris was shattered. Who was this woman? Who gave her the right to hold Jonny's arm?

Doris was confused, and then furious. She burst out from the jeans rack and grabbed the woman's neck. Everyone screamed. Doris shook the woman madly and shouted in pure, unadulterated anger:

"YOU HORRID WOMAN! NO WAIT, I SHOULDN'T EVEN CALL YOU A WOMAN! YOU'RE SCUM! I HATE YOU FOR RUINING MY LIFE, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The woman fell to the floor in death. Doris laughed triumphantly and grabbed Jonny's arm. "You're mine!" she exclaimed.

Jonny screamed in fear and exited the shop in a great hurry. Unfortunately for him, Doris was still holding on to his arm. He screamed and screamed until Doris suddenly became deaf.

Doris fell to the ground, shocked at what had happened. Why couldn't she hear? Why weren't the birds singing? Why wasn't the melodious voice of Jonny in her ears?

Doris started to sob. Her life was meaningless already. She dragged herself to a nearby cliff, situated right next to the town for all emotional citizens' convenience, and she threw herself off.

The rocks at the bottom pierced through her skin and damaged Doris' skull. Her body was battered and bloody, but the piranhas soon cleared it up. Soon, all that was left was a golden key that sunk to the ocean floor.

No one saw it, no one knew about it, but it was a token, a charm of remembrance to the aquatic life, of the girl who knew nothing about common sense and died a would-be heroic death if not for the ridiculous nature of the passing away.

No one missed her, least of all Kristen.

Odd (3)

My phone rings. I grunt and answer it. "Hello?" I say. The other person on the line screams. I drop my phone. I can still hear screaming. I pick up the phone and speak into it.

"Nan? Why are you screaming?" I ask.
"A cockroach just ran past me! KYAAAAAAA there it is again! Kill it! Kill it! Oh yeah, hi Nadine."
"Oh okay, what's going on?"
"Did you hear-- EEEK! Kill it!"
"What??" I ask, intrigued.
"Wait, let me go to my room." I hear Nan run and a door opens and then closes.
"Okay, did you hear?"
"Whaaat??" I ask, impatient.
"Holly's got a boyfriend!" Nan squeals.
"WHAAT!"
"Yes! Oh my! I don't know how it happened."
"Why- Who- She- How- Where did you hear it?"
"Daryl told me."
"DARYL!? Your brother!?"
"Yes, apparently the boyfriend is a friend of his."
"YOUR BROTHER IS NINETEEN!"
"I KNOW RIGHT! WHY IS HOLLY WITH SUCH AN OLD GUY!?"
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"
"His name is Tony."
"UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
"He's cute."
"AIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHH!!"
"You scream too much. I'll see you in school."
"Bye."
"Bye."

Nan hangs up and I make a face. Oh this is horrid. How could Holly do such a thing? Without telling us? I grunt and get ready for school. When I go downstairs, I see Nan waiting for me on my porch. I say goodbye to my mother and go off with Nan.

"How could Holly be so betrayalistic? I am so angry with her." Nan fumes. I nod. "Tony. What a horrid creep. He's stolen Holly's brain!" I mutter.

When we arrive at school, I spot Holly sitting by herself under a tree. "Like why is she under a tree." Nan grumbles. We decide to ignore her, because we're miffed. Then Holly sees us.

"Hello!" she says to us, grabbing our arms. I look away, still ignoring her. "Like why are you having a boyfriend." Nan says to Holly. I look at Nan and frown.

Holly colours. "What?" she says. "A boyfriend!?" I turn to face her. "Hmm, Tony. Does that ring a bell??" I turn away and run into school. I am so T.O.ed.

At lunchtime Nan and Holly are sitting together. They wave me over and I sit down reluctantly. "Nadiiiine! Holly doesn't have a boyfriend!" Nan shouts. I look at Holly. She's blushing. Nan laughs. "It was all a misunderstanding," she says, swatting the air at me.

"You see, Tony's been sending Holly messages and asking her stuff because he likes her I think but anyway Holly doesn't like him so he was probably boasting to Daryl. I think Daryl's a twit for believing that retard." Nan wipes her mouth with a tissue paper and bites her sandwich.

Holly nods, her face still reddish-pink. She gives me her phone and tells me to look through the messages. I look and nod, concluding that Tony was and would probably always be a creep.

"Why are old guys so weird?" Nan says, licking mustard off her wrist. "They're twisted." Holly offers. I shrug. Nan scowls. "I'm going to tell my brother off for having such stupid friends. He's such a retard for making friends with such pig-headedness."

I sigh. "All guys are weird at some point. I suppose we shouldn't be so over-dramatic." Nan looks at me and rolls her eyes, but she stops raving.

Holly eats a cherry tomato from her bag of organic produce. I look at Nan. She's got a whole bag of sandwiches stuffed with chopped onions drenched in mustard. I look down at my cafeteria lunch and gag. Damp chicken nuggets, soggy fries and a bowl of artificially coloured ketchup grace my tray. I push it away and decide to bring my own lunch next time.

When school ends, Nan walks me home and I say goodbye to her. I hear my mother cooking. I go to the kitchen. "Hi ma." I say. She smiles at me, looking really happy.

"Your pa has finally employed someone to help him in the cafe." I smile. "That's good." I say. My mother grins. "Actually, he's from your school and I think he's quite nice." I am shocked, and I try to stop a hopeful thought of mine from growing.

"His name is--" The back door opens, cutting my mother off. "Oh, look, Nadine." my mother says. I look and nearly faint. My suspicion was correct.

Odd (mini introduction)

I think I haven't introduced the main people in my story yet. I guess I'll do it now.

I have two best friends, Nan and Holly. Nan is absolutely mad. She loves watching fights and gardening. Holly, she's the shyer one who get embarrassed really easily. She is also a bit of a geek.

I also have three sisters. One older and two younger. The older one is named Claudia. She's considered the Personality of the four of us. She's tall and she's one of the most fun people I know. She also has a way with people. Claudia will say the weirdest things and people think it's cool.

My second sister is named Anna. She's considered the Beauty. She's extremely beautiful. She has the perfect complexion, the perfect teeth, the perfect hair, and the perfect body. She's terribly popular with the boys in school; but she doesn't have that great a personality.

My youngest sister is named Emmeline. She is considered the Talent. Emmeline is small, but she's amazing. She sings marvelously, plays quite a large number of musical instruments, dances most types of dances, draws pretty pictures, and embroiders beautifully.

As for me, I'm considered to be the Brains. I suppose one could say that I am fairly clever. I score in tests, do my all homework, etc. etc. I'm pretty boring, I guess, but well, someone has to be that way, right?

There's also The Gorgeous Guy. I still don't know his name and I know nothing of him except that he's really good looking and doesn't seem to like fights.

Then there are other people around but they're not so important. I'll describe them in detail much later on.

All right, that's all for now.

Anything

I've just added a search box just in case you want to locate a story using something other than categories. Now you can look for whatever you want and find it, unless I don't have it.

Also, don't trust the dates on some of the stories. They aren't really reliable because sometimes I write stories and complete them months later. The dates are always of the day I started writing and in my opinion it's very weird. So don't believe them.

That's all, thank you for reading!

[UPDATE: I removed dates on posts so you don't really have to worry about them except for in blog lists etc.]

Cats and Christmas

Once there was a human sized cat named Marlo. He had a long tail and pretty and curly whiskers. His mother's name was Patty and his girlfriend's name was Bobbilinda. He was a happy cat.

Marlo lived on a secluded island named Ga near the North Pole. Santa Claus was his best friend and they regularly met up with each other to have tea and maybe some cookies with green and/or red sprinkles.

One day, on the 5th of December, Santa Claus decided to start his annual toy production. Marlo went over to Santa's trendy upscale apartment to talk about Santa's business plan. Marlo was a very clever cat, and in no time at all, they were able to figure out the best way to go that Christmas.

When the meeting ended, Marlo licked some sprinkles off his paw and proceeded to leave. Suddenly, an elf ran into the room and screamed very loudly, his cute little hands on his smooth milky-white cheeks.

Marlo was frightened, and he ran away. Santa looked at the elf and told him to stop screaming. The elf dropped his hands and started to pant. "Sorry, oh wise Santa, but I bring grievous news. Your wife, Mrs. Claus, has fainted in the toy room and is now rendered unconscious."

Santa jumped up and ran out the door, leaving the elf in the living room. The elf shrugged and went to look in the refrigerator.

Meanwhile, Santa called Marlo on his cell and informed him of his wife's accident. Marlo rushed to the factory and went to comfort poor Mr. Claus, who was sobbing uncontrollably in the sick room, his wife's limp hand in his.

Marlo patted Santa's shoulder and left the room quickly and awkwardly, because he felt uncomfortable with crying men. He ran out of the factory and went home, where a plate of steak lay on the counter, with a note from his housekeeper.

"Sory I em out toddy, n-joy ure meal :)" Marlo sighed and ate his steak, then he went to his room to weep in silence. He was very tired, and his missed his brother Edward.

The next day, Santa called Marlo up. "My wife is better now. She's still a little weak though. The doctor says that we should go on holiday because there's too much stress in her life. Can you take over the Christmas plans for me?" Actually, Santa Claus was lying. He was sick of Christmas duties and he wanted to run away forever.

Marlo, being the good and faithful friend that he was, agreed immediately without thinking practically. Bobbilinda would probably have scolded him for it if she had been there, but Marlo was too happy with the thought that he was giving instead of receiving that Christmas. He totally had the Santa Claus complex.

He called up his father to tell him the news.

"Hi, how are you, Dad?"
"Good."
"I'm in charge of Christmas this year Dad!"
"Oh?"
"Yes, Santa has to take care of his wife so I'm doing it. Isn't that great Dad?"
"No."
"WHAT? WHY DAD?"
"Because."
"But he's my best friend! I need to be useful this year Dad."
"Unhh."
"Please let me do it! Allow me please, Dad."
"No."
"I'll be good I promise. Please please pretty please with a red cherry on top with sprinkles and icing sugar and chocolate sauce and chopped peanuts Dad."
"Okay."
"Thank you so much! I love you Dad!"
"Ditto."
"Goodbye! Have a great Christmas! I'll visit you and Mam after everything okay Dad?"
"Okay."
"Bye Dad! Give my love to Mam Dad!"
"Yes."
"Farewell Dad!"
"Bye."

Marlo hung up. He was exhausted. His father was a difficult man, but Marlo had managed well. He then went to go pick a fight with his housekeeper.

Soon, it was Christmas. Marlo had everything ready. All the auto-piloted jet planes were ready to send all the presents for the children. Also, the bad children were getting polyester underwear this year. Charcoal had gone up in price, so Marlo had to find something cheaper that also burned well.

Everything was set. Marlo was so pleased with himself. He sister Kae would finally acknowledge that he was not completely an incompetent ball of fur. The elves then notified him that it was time to send out the jet-planes. They gave him a silver controller with a big red button.

"Is that mine to press?!" Marlo asked, excited. "I have never pressed a button of such a pretty shade of red before!" The elves smiled at his noobness. "Just press it. Just press it. Just press it." they chanted.

Marlo took a deep breath and pressed the button with just the right amount of force. The elves cheered and everyone ran off to go to the after-party in Santa's basement. There were nachos, artificially flavoured cheeze-ballz, spaghetti soup and a small selection of chocolates with liquor injected inside.

Marlo took the chocolates and went outside where he gobbled them up while staring blankly at the night sky. It was all so beautiful he supposed. "Merry Christmas," Marlo whispered.



The next day, Santa came back from his holiday in the South Pole where he and his wife went to see famous penguins and attend a Jonas' Brothers concert. He raved about the 'other pole' to Marlo, who listened attentively.

"Thanks for keeping things in order man," Santa said, punching Marlo's fist-paw. "No problem dude," Marlo answered, feeling young again. "It was a great experience." Santa beamed. "I'm so proud of you, my besty." Marlo nodded sagely and then there was an awkward silence.

Marlo then stood up. "I've got to go man," he said. "Bobbilinda is waiting for me." The two said their goodbyes and went their separate ways to their respective appointments. Marlo ran out, feeling happy with the world.

... And they all lived happily ever after. THE END>

In his designer shoes

Prince Chad was so excited! Tomorrow was his 21st birthday. He was so happy because his parents had promised to throw him a grand party with confetti and girls and everything!

He had already picked out all his outfits for the occasion. He was going to wear a white and gold suit with all his princely medals on for the first two hours of the night. He was planning on being princely for a few hours then it would be time to get ready to change.

The next hour he would put on his dancing outfit complete with skinnys, purple tassels and royal blue stitching. That was when he was going to wow all the girls with his ultra-mega-super fabulous dance moves that were even better than all the boy bands in the world put together.

The next hour he was going to wear a lemon yellow suit with a tie made of orange Japanese silk with the words 'I love you' in 50 different languages. Of course, those words were romanized so that he would be able to read them. That was the time when he was going to tell many jokes and perform many tricks for all the girls and make them see his fun side.

The next hour he would wear a brown sweater jacket over a checked black and white buttoned and pocketed shirt with plain jeans and a beanie. In this hour he would play some indie songs on his guitar and maybe sing a little.

In the last hour he would wear a plain tuxedo and maybe he would dance a little until everyone left. He had it all figured out.

Chad rubbed his hands together gleefully. This was going to be the best birthday EVER!

The next morning, his mother woke him up. "Good morning mummy dearest. Today is my birthday!" he said sleepily. His mother gave him a kiss. "Look what I got you, Chaddy!" she exclaimed.

Chad sat up quickly as his mother passed him a big red box with a satin bow on it. Chad opened it up and gave a squeal of happiness. Brand new Yurie|Plonky designer shoes that hadn't been released to the public yet!

Chad gave his mother a big hug and jumped out of bed to try them on. "Wow, they fit perfectly!" Chad gushed. "Thank you so much!" he said, admiring his now lovely feet. "I'm glad you like them honey." The Queen said, beaming.

The rest of the day was a flurry of presents and flowers and servants running here and there, getting ready for the grand ball. But meanwhile, Prince Chad was in his room, getting himself ready for all the maidens in the land.

First he received a massage from the palace masseuse. It was a deep tissue massage that made him feel just great. Next Chad received a manicure and pedicure from the palace's best beautician. But of course he didn't get any nail varnish; he was a boy with very high 'manly self-esteem'.

Chad then got some last minute outfit tailoring before hopping into his bubble bath with moisturising soap-free scented flakes of goats milk and honey floating about inside.

So while the rest of the palace was getting hastily getting things ready, Prince Chad was soaking in his bathtub, listening to soothing opera music on his brand new water-resistant bathroom sound system.

Soon, it was time for the ball. Prince Chad was extremely excited. He beamed as all the maidens of the land gathered around to look at him. They were squealing and ooh-ing and aah-ing at him.

"He's so cute!"
"His smile is so adorable!"
"Oh he looks so manly!"
"He looked at me! Aaahh..."
"He looks even better in person!"
"I hope he chooses me for his wife!"
"Too bad, he'll choose me!"

Chad frowned slightly. He was a little puzzled by these last two remarks. Marriage...? Then he shrugged it off. Celebrities got these comments all the time. He beamed again.

When the receiving line was dispersed, Chad went to speak to his parents. They had a plate of hors d'oeuvres with them. Chad popped one into his mouth and spoke. "Haush zhe balrl?"

"It's all right. How are you doing, son?" the King asked. "Istsh vwerry gud." Chad said, smiling.
"Please swallow, Chaddy." the Queen said. Chad gulped the morsel and then grinned at his parents, seaweed on his teeth.

"Teeth." the Queen said. Chad rolled his eyes and walked away. "Wait! Chad! Come here!" the King called. Chad turned back, running his tongue over his teeth. "What?" he asked, a trifle rudely.

"Have you seen any girls that you like?" the Queen asked quickly. Chad nodded. "Yes I suppose. One or two."

"That's good Chad, because well-- Cass, you tell him." The King ate an hors d'oeuvre. The Queen looked at Chad. "Do you know the reason we're having this ball, Chaddy?"

Chad nodded. "To celebrate my twenty-first birthday." he said confidently. "No, no honey. That's just an excuse. We're holding this ball to find you a wife."

Chad's eyes opened wide with excitement. "YIPPEE!" he shouted. "I told you he'd be happy." the Queen said to the King smugly. "All right, all right." he grumbled.

"So go, Chaddy. If you find any nice girls, then bring them to meet us." the Queen said affectionately. Chad nodded quickly and then ran off. He looked at his watch. It was almost time for him to change into his skinnys.

He ran towards the door to the hallway. But suddenly something caught his eye. He turned his head and stared at the entrance.

There, standing at the grand entrance, was the most beautiful creature he had ever beheld. She was wearing a gorgeous pink dress with silk ruffles on the skirt and... was that a designer lace flower in her hair??

Chad rushed to meet her. She was very sweet, and she smelled like the new rose scented fragrance by Bobby Henrietta."Why hello, miss." he said suavely. He smiled his heart-melting smile. The maiden just looked bored.

"You look pretty." Chad said shyly. The maiden bowed at him and walked away. Chad didn't notice her rudeness. He fancied himself in love.

"Where did you get that dress from?" he asked, catching up with her. The maiden turned her head away in disdain. "You're too low down to know." she said curtly.

"That's not true. I'm in the clouds..." Chad said dreamily. The maiden rolled her eyes. "Excuse me, but I'm not interested. What are you even doing here?" she snapped. Chad was surprised. "I'm here to ask you to dance. The music is starting."

The maiden shook her head. "No. I don't want to. I want to know where the prince is." Chad laughed. "I'm right here." The maiden looked Chad up and down. "Don't be so pathetic."

Chad was shocked. "But I am the prince!" he protested. Everybody in the hall was already looking at the two of them. "I am the prince!" Chad shouted. The maiden suddenly looked extremely embarrassed. "Oh dear, it's almost my curfew. Good night." she said hurriedly, running towards the entrance to escape.

Chad was terribly insulted. He ran after the maiden, intending to teach her a lesson, but the maiden was already halfway out the door. She was a wickedly fast runner, Chad observed. He couldn't catch up with her.

Chad arrived at the entrance, panting and perspiring. The maiden was already climbing into her goldish-orange carriage. Chad thought that it was horribly distasteful. Then he noticed that she had left her shoe behind. Chad picked it up. It was made of glass, and engraved into the heel was the initial 'C'.

Then Chad remembered that he was furious with the maiden. He ran after the orange carriage and threw the shoe at it. Thankfully, his aim was stellar, thanks to his archery lessons. The shoe smashed through the window at the back and Chad thought he heard someone say "Ow."

There. Now he was satisfied. He walked back into the castle and went to change into his next outfit. His birthday was going great.

Odd (2)

"Hey-o honey!" Nan says to me on the phone. "To you too, darlin'." I say.

"I was wondering, would you like to follow me to a fight today after school?" Nan asks casually. I think awhile.

"Where will it be held?" I ask, uninterested. "Mmm, probably just outside school grounds." Nan says. I do not wish to go, so I tell Nan so.

"Please? Please, please Nadine. I don't like going by myself. Now that I'm a little older, I feel kind of self-conscious because I'm the only girl there!"

I feel a little sorry for Nan, but I still do not wish to go. Then I remember what Nan said a few days ago about seeing the Gorgeous Guy at a fight. Maybe the Gorgeous Guy would come by. I might be able to catch a glimpse of him.

"Alright." I say. "Thank you thank you thank you!" Nan squeals. "See you later bye." Nan hangs up and I go and lie on my bed.

"Nadiiiiiiiiiiiiine!" My mother screams. "Go and get ready for school!" I heave myself up and go to change. I wonder what I should wear...

I meet Nan on my porch and we start off for school. "You look nice." she says. I smile. "That's a relief." I breathe.

"What's happening today that you didn't tell me about?" Nan asks. I roll my eyes. Nan is so forgetful. "I only agreed to go to the fight with you because I thought ehem would show up." Nan looks at me, sort of dazed.

"Who?" she asks. I nudge her and then she goes "Ohhh..."

When we arrive at school, we meet Holly at the gate. She is looking at her phone. I poke her in the side and she looks up, mildly interested. "Oh hello. I didn't see you there."

"Who is tha-at?" Nan asks Holly, peeking over her shoulder at Holly's phone. Holly goes red and quickly stuffs her phone into her pocket. "We have to go for class." she says, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards the school building.

I wave to Nan as I run to catch up with Holly. "Why are you hurrying?" I ask her. "I don't want to be late." Holly says curtly. So I just follow her, my thighs aching.

After school, I meet Nan at the school gate and we walk around the school fence until we reach a little crowd of noisy boys. "AGH! We're missing it!" Nan exclaims, running towards the knot of people.

"Fight fight fight fight fight!" Nan and the boys cheer. I look around for the Gorgeous Guy but to my disappointment fail to see him. I sigh and decide to watch the fight.

"Who are these people?" I ask Nan, pointing to two figures wrestling on the ground. "Oh, that's Teddy Lowe and Teddy Rye. Teddy Rye insulted Teddy Lowe by having his name, so they're fighting it out. Fight! Fight!" Nan pumps her fist.

I am stunned by such idiocy, but the fight seems quite interesting. Teddy Rye is attempting to bite Teddy Lowe's index finger and Teddy Lowe is punching Teddy Rye's calf.

Suddenly, Teddy Lowe's finger is bleeding. "OH!" Nan cries in delight. "Now we're going to sing The Blood Song," Nan tells me gleefully.

"Blood, blood, blood
It has been drawn, drawn, drawn
You are a brave man, man, man
So brave dear friend, friend, friend
So brave for your, your, your
Your blood, blood, blood
Has been drawn."

After they sing the word 'drawn', everyone spits onto the ground with a loud snarl. Then everyone (Teddys included) claps. I am thoroughly traumatised. I don't think I will be going to another fight ever again.

♫ My angel, my girls and my sunshine

"Can you feel my heartbeat? It's beating for you." Barney asked, gazing into Scarlett's eyes. She smiled at him, weakly and sadly. She hated Barney, but what could she do? She wasn't brave enough to tell Mother that she cared for the singing minstrel Donny.

"Our love should go on." Barney said, smiling at Scarlett. Scarlett nodded absent mindedly. Mother and Father wouldn't understand if she told them. Barney was new to town, extremely rich, and everyone in town admired him greatly. Scarlett thought him a most odious creature.

"For you, I love you, only you." Barney said, giving Scarlett a water lily from the lake. Scarlett forced a smile as the leaves dripped brown water onto her white dress. She frowned at the flower and threw it back into the lake when Barney was gazing at the sky.

" 'Cause you are my sun, the moon." Barney murmured. Scarlett winced. Barney was dripping with empty sentiment. She really could not tolerate him. He was such a dull companion.

"I called you butterfly," Barney said seriously. Scarlett wondered where he got all his random lines from. By this time, she had had enough. She didn't know why but she suddenly mustered up the courage to stand up in the boat and frown directly at Barney.

"EX-CUse me" Barney said loudly. "Oh stoppit." Scarlett snapped. "You're a sorry excuse for a person." Barney was taken aback.

"Just tell me why." he said solemnly. "You're so dull and stupid. I wonder how long you're going to keep all your dirty money." Scarlett said. "Also, you keep on saying things that don't make much sense."

"I-I was blind." Barney said sadly. Scarlett rolled her eyes. "I don't care. I'm leaving." She jumped off the boat and swam to the grass. "Goodnight." she called.

"I'll wait for you, (until the end)" Barney sang, off key. Scarlett ignored him. Barney shrugged. Another pretty girl had jilted him, just like in Kriqni, Falein and Garetroude. Ah well, he didn't want to marry anyone too smart.

He rowed his boat to the side of the lake and then climbed out. He pulled a pencil and a list from his pocket and sat down on the muddy grass. He looked at the list by the moonlight. He had already crossed out 3 names. Now it was time for a fourth.

Barney shook his head and put his things back into his pocket. "Next destination, Lompyae." he said, standing up and brushing the seat of his trousers. He climbed onto his waiting horse and rode off into the moonlight, singing,

"One more time!"

Ignis fatuus

"I'm seeing a rainbow!" Laura shouted. Her friends looked at her, suspicious. "Are you sure?" Alice asked dubiously.

"Yes yes! I can see it!" Laura said. Christy raised her eyebrows. "That is so odd." she mumbled. "Don't mumble." Alice said absentmindedly.

"Are you sure you can see a rainbow?" Kimmy asked. Laura nodded vigorously. "Yes yes! I can see it! When I sit in this spot, in this angle, I can see a rainbow. The colours are so pretty!"

Laura frowned. "Why don't you believe me?"

Kimmy, Alice and Christy looked at Laura in amazement.

"Because you're colour-blind."

Star (part 2)

The long awaited continuation of 'Star'!

"Your brother? What in the world?" Luke and Star looked at each other blankly. Then Luke suddenly realised that his aunt was bleeding to death.

"Go call an ambulance!" he shouted. Star got up and ran to the phone, crying. Luke hurried to the laundry room and grabbed a clean towel. He ran back to the porch, where his aunt lay unconscious. Star was already there, wiping up the mess with some kitchen rolls.

Luke wrapped the towel around his aunt's bleeding leg and fastened it with a safety pin that was supposed to hold his pants up.

Then the ambulance came, beeping loudly. Paramedics jumped out and came to examine Aunt Blossom. Then they placed her on a stretcher and took her into their white van. Luke and Star locked the house up and climbed into the ambulance.

When the noisy ambulance reached the hospital, Luke and Star climbed out, feeling terribly anxious and extremely exhausted. The paramedics grabbed the stretcher and wheeled it into the emergency room.

Luke and Star badly wanted Aunt Blossom to survive for 2 reasons. Firstly, they really loved her. Secondly, they badly wanted to know what treasure map she was talking about. Was she just babbling or was she revealing some fabulous secret?

The nurses told Luke and Star that they weren't allowed in the emergency ward. Star was too young, they said. So the brother and his sister waited outside, anxious.

After what seemed to be hours, a doctor came out.

Luke stood up. "Luke Gane?" the doctor asked. Luke nodded. "I'm Doctor Webb. Well, I've got some bad news for you." The doctor smiled at them sympathetically. "I'm sorry, but we lost her."

"WHAT?!" Star shrieked. "AUNT BLOSSOM!" Star got up and ran into the emergency ward. Luke and the doctor rushed after her. Oh no where is she? Luke thought anxiously. Soon they found her, sitting in a corner and sobbing.

"Star!" Luke cried, and ran toward her. He picked her up and cradled her like a baby. "Aunt Blossom..." Star whimpered over and over again. Luke kissed Star's forehead and continued to rock her gently, fighting the tears in his eyes.

When everything was over, Luke and Star learned that everything their aunt had owned now belonged to them. After much discussing, they decided to move out of town. It was too painful, living in their old house without Aunt Blossom. Besides, they didn't enjoy living here. Why waste the rest of their lives in a place they didn't like?

So they packed up their things and sold the house. There was a little apartment they could rent in another town six hundred kilometres away. They would be able to live there, comfortably and happily.

They knew they would never get to know what their aunt was talking about as she was dying on their porch, but what was treasure compared to Aunt Blossom? So with nothing else for them to do, they climbed into Aunt Blossom's old car, and drove off to a brand new life far far away.

Odd (1)

One day I decide to walk to school with my best friend Nan. Not long after we leave my house, Nan starts to tell me about a fight she'd witnessed yesterday.

"It was wonderfully bloody and one boy, Abe Pollock, almost lost his leg." She sighs, regretting the fact that Abe Pollock hadn't lost his poor appendage.

I cringe. Nan can be so disgusting sometimes; she has this creepy fascination with blood and dead people.

"Then this particular senior just happens to walk by and Lionel Collins just jumps onto his leg and starts punching him; I expect he was kind of asking him to fight."

Nan stops to scratch her leg and continues, (regardless of whether I am listening) "Well the amazing thing was, the mysterious guy just stops walking and he picks Lionel Collins off his leg and then drops him like he was some smelly sock. Then he walked away just like that. I just don't know how he did it. If I were him, I'd have punched Lionel 'til his nose broke!"

Nan shakes her head in disapproval. Feeling bored, I ask: "What was his name?" Nan just shrugs.

"I don't know his name, but he was sort of good-looking." There was silence and so we continue walking and soon we near our school.

Suddenly, Nan nudges me. "Look that's him!" she whispers. I look up and my eyes bug out.

Walking slowly towards us is the most handsome creature I have ever beheld. He is very tall and quite muscular (I can see his arms) with tousled wavy brown hair. He has a fair complexion and a gorgeous nose.

"What in the world were you talking about?" I ask Nan, exasperated. " 'Sort of good looking'?! What was that all about? He's gorgeous!" Nan and I stare at him, admiring his perfect features.

"What are you two staring at?" We turn quickly and find ourselves facing our mutual best friend, Holly.

"Oh hi Holly. Look at him, isn't he beautiful?" Nan and I jerk our chins in The Gorgeous Guy(who was still walking towards us but not exactly looking at us)'s direction.

"Oh wow. That's lovely. You know how obvious you guys are being in regard to that guy!?" She hisses. Nan and I laugh and then grab Holly's arm and run into school.

"I have never seen anyone gorgeouser than him." I say, once we are safely inside. Nan rolls her eyes. "I've seen better. You should really come with me to some fights sometime. But hey I'm not denying that fact that this guy is really hot."

Nan and I giggle. Only Holly doesn't laugh. I guess this is because she is still feeling embarrassed for us.

I look at my watch. "Aaa our class is starting!" I exclaim. I grab Holly's arm and run down the hallway, shouting goodbye and see you later at lunch to Nan.

During a class that is just before lunch time, the teacher asks to speak to me after class. She tells me that she is really pleased with what I scored for my test and that I should keep up the good work. I express to her my utmost gratitude and then I rush to the cafeteria.

When I get there I almost regret doing so well in my test. The cafeteria is full and I can barely hear anything, save for the inconsistent buzz of noise. Noises and voices are screaming, shouting, laughing, crying, burping and yawning.

I squeeze my way through the crowd, wishing that I had come earlier. I make my way over to the counter and buy some stuff to eat. I sigh. My lunch is really pitiful. All the good stuff has gone.

"OVA HEEYER!!" I hear Nan shriek. I look in the direction of her voice and see Nan and Holly waving frantically from an overcrowded table.

I quickly move towards them, cringing at the varied body odours I can smell. I walk as fast as I can and-- WHOOPS! I have knocked into someone. My lunch goes flying. I am half glad and half sad. Glad because I have lost my pathetic lunch, sad because I have made a fool out of myself in front of-- THE GORGEOUS GUY!!!!

"Uhh, I'm so sorry." I sit up and touch my face. I can't feel anything mushy but I suddenly feel very warm all over. "Are you alright?" The Gorgeous Guy asks me in a most fantabulously low voice.

"I think so." I say dubiously. He holds out his hand and I stare at it, suddenly wondering where I am. The Gorgeous Guy grabs my hand and pulls me up.

"Be careful," he says, then he is gone. I stand there staring at my hand, wondering my head off.

Nan and Holly come over to me. Nan is fidgety. "What did he do? What did you do? Did he say anything to you? You've got watery bolognaise on your shirt." I look down and wipe at the stain dumbly.

"Come on you." Holly says. She grabs my arm and we make our way out of the cafeteria to the bathroom. Holly turns on the tap and starts to clean my shirt.

"C'mon! Something must've happened!" Nan says. I smile at her. "Well, he said, 'Are you alright?' So I said, 'I think so' and then he held out his hand and I didn't do anything so then he grabbed my hand and helped me up. Then he said 'Be careful' and then he walked away."

Nan and I scream with happiness.

"Just think, you girls have only heard about him today and you're already screaming about him? You're really sad." Holly says. Nan and I giggle quietly.

Then, "Why am I washing out your stain?" Holly asks me. Nan and I start laughing loudly. Holly looks at us, trying to be annoyed, but failing terribly. She starts laughing and soon we are convulsing and gasping for air.

"You girls are so pathetic." Kimmy P says, walking in with her gang. Holly, Nan and I giggle and then walk out, ignoring Kimmy P's subtle plea for an asinine argument about social status.

The three of us part ways and go for our classes, feeling quite loosened up.

Man I love my friends.

Sewing

Warning: Idiotic and Morbid. Kind of.

Once upon a time there was a stupid girl named Liptch. She was socially retarded and also kind of ugly.

One day at school, Liptch's teacher told her that there would be a gigantic test the next day. Liptch was horrified, because it was for a subject she absolutely hated; sewing and embroidery.

When she got home, she decided to study. But oh dear! she didn't understand one bit. She hated sewing and she didn't really bother to listen in class. She looked at her book and sewing kit blankly until 1 a.m. in the morning.

Liptch decided to just leave it be and then study early in the morning. She was so tired, so she went to sleep.

The next day, her alarm rang really loudly into her ear at 6:00. Liptch got up with a start, switched off her alarm and went back to sleep.

At 8:00, her older sister sister Jill came into her room and roared into her ear.

"IF YOU DON'T GET UP I'LL SMACK YOU WITH A FRYING PAN! WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE!!!!!" Liptch jumped up and ran to change.

School started at 8:30, and she had no time to study or even brush her teeth. She pulled on a purple T-shirt and a pair of yellow pants. She didn't brush her hair.

"YOU LOOK AWFUL!!" her younger sister Ruby said to her. Liptch looked at her clothes and groaned.

Liptch started up the stairs to change but Jill and Ruby pulled her away. "It's too late," they said. They climbed into Jill's car and sped off.

"You really look awful." Ruby said to Liptch.
"You didn't let me change!" Liptch protested.
"There wasn't any time, you dummy." Ruby replied. "As a result, you look like an utter freak."
"Yes you do." Jill agreed.

Liptch looked away and sulked until they reached their school.

When Liptch reached her classroom, the teacher was already teaching. "Sorry I'm late, teacher." Liptch mumbled. The teacher, a pleasant sort of lady, just nodded and smiled at Liptch.

The other people in Liptch's class stared at Liptch curiously, thinking her a strange creature. As the day wore on, the sewing test loomed closer. Liptch was quite worried.

Finally, it was time for the last class of the day. Sewing and embroidery.

"Now, don't be worried, because this test is fairly easy." The teacher said, passing out paper, coloured thread, needles and pieces of cloth.

"Just answer the questions and then start on your sewing. I'm giving you an hour and a half. Okay, you can start now."

The test started. Liptch was extremely worried. The questions on the paper were extremely unfamiliar to her. She started to panic.

She decided to start sewing first. She tried to poke the thread through the eye of the needle and after about twenty tries, she made it go through.

Next she poked the needle through the cloth and started to embroider the cloth unsuccessfully. The whole cloth was a series of knots and tangles and her test paper was devoid of any writing save for her name and the date.

Why is life so hard? she wondered. She hated herself for not studying and being so stupid. When the test was over, Liptch ran to the bathroom to cry in peace.

She cried and cried until her phone started to ring. It was her sister, Ruby. Liptch answered the phone, saying hello very shakily.

"WHERE IN THE WORLD ARE YOU? WE'RE WAITING AT THE CAR!!!" Ruby shrieked. Liptch said okay I'm coming and then she hung up. She grabbed some toilet roll and went out, wiping her nose and eyes as she ran.

When Liptch climbed into the car, Jill started the engine and they went onto the main road.

Ruby and Jill then started to talk about something very 'exciting'. They seemed to forget that Liptch had made them late to go home.

"I can't believe you were nominated class president! That is so cool!" Ruby gushed to Jill. Jill smiled modestly.

"I can't believe you're now going steady with Harold!" Jill said to Ruby. Ruby giggled.

"I can! I just can't believe it happened only today!" Both sisters giggled happily. Suddenly they both seemed to realise that Liptch was in the car.

"Oh, so how was your day, Liptch?" Jill asked politely.
"Awful." Liptch said.

Jill and Ruby were silent. Then they started to chat about something else. Liptch sniffed and then closed her eyes, feeling exhausted.

The next day, Liptch's sewing test results were passed out. She looked at the paper warily and received an unwelcome shock.

"2 out of 50!?" she exclaimed, horrified. The other students looked at Liptch and snickered. The teacher hurried to her desk.

"I'm sorry, Liptch. But you didn't do very well. Maybe you should've studied more?" she said softly. Liptch's head was swimming. She stood up blindly and stumbled towards the door.

"Where are you going, dear?" the teacher asked. Liptch looked around wildly, her mind spinning around in circles.

"Away... away..." Liptch mumbled absent mindedly. She walked out of her class and out of the school, across the road and through the trees in Morris' Wildlife Forest right to the cliff at the end of the town.

"Away... away..." Liptch repeated. She slowly walked towards the edge and presently fell, silently and quietly, until she was no more.

The princess who ate frogs (and got married at 16)

There is a princess who eats frogs. She has frogs for breakfast (on toast or with eggs), for lunch (in sandwiches), dinner (in pies or with pasta) and of course, for a midday snack (fried and crunchy).

She is a frogaholic. She can't live without frogs.

Lately, she has been reading up on Japanese food and she thinks the idea of sashimi is fantastic. She creates some fusion food and voilà, frog sashimi. To her it's absolutely lovely.

One day, as she prances about in her garden after a picnic near the pond, she notices a golden ball in the bushes. She gives a cry of delight and picks it up. It is shiny and smooth except for a section on which a frog is engraved.

The princess (whose name, by the way, is Aliesa), is overjoyed. She kisses the ball and runs back into her palace, leaving her picnic things for the maids to pick up.

For the next few days she plays with her ball, rejoicing over its froggy beauty. The intricate pattern is something she has never beheld in her life. She loves the ball.

One day, she decides to have another picnic by the pond. Who knows, maybe she'll find another golden ball?

She sits on her picnic cloth, her legs properly crossed. Her maid sets out a plate in front of her and then lifts the lid.

OH NO! What Aliesa saw was horrifying. It was one of the most terrible sorts of things one sees.

"YOU'RE FEEDING ME CHICKEN??" she screams. The maid cowers in fear.

"It's all we have in the pantry, your highness. The-the frogs have run out. There are no more in the kingdom. You've eaten the lot."

Aliesa stares at her maid (whose name, by the way, is Jainee), aghast.

"NO MORE FROGS??" she shrieks. Jainee nods and then runs away, afraid for her life. Aliesa stands up to stamp her foot angrily.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOoooo!!!" Aliesa screams into the sky dramatically.

"Excuse me, but you've disrupted my nap."

Aliesa looks around, scared. "Who's there?"

No response.

"I'll report you for trespassing!" Aliesa threatens.

"Like they'd arrest a frog!" The voice scoffs.

Aliesa yelps. "I'm going mad!" she says. She looks around frantically and then sees a golden frog reclining on a rock.

Aliesa screams, long and loud. "Oh JOY!" she says gleefully.

The frog smiles, happy to have found a friend.

"Well hey, I'm Pablo and I'm a prince, but a random guy on the street put a spell on me and made me a frog. If you kiss me then I'll turn back into a prince. I guarantee you, I'm hot."

Aliesa looks at Pablo, bemused. A talking frog? Who is really a prince? Aliesa laughs.

"Alright, I'll kiss you." she says. She picks his squishy golden body up and puts her mouth on his puckered lips.

He smells so delicious! she thinks. Suddenly, he is out of her hands and smiling at her dreamily.

"Wow, you are hot." she says. Pablo the prince previously a golden talking frog flashes her a gorgeous grin and nods.

"Of course. Now, I just have one more thing for you. If you agree to marry me, I'll stay a handsome prince forever!" Pablo gives her a nervous smile.

Aliesa thinks for awhile. "I'm only sixteen, y'know." she says to Pablo. Pablo shrugs.

"I'm only nineteen myself. Anyway, I have no time to look for a princess my age. I need to get married before the clock strikes midnight!"

Aliesa thinks again. "Alright." she shakes Pablo's hand firmly. Then Pablo pulls her into his arms and they embrace.

They gaze into each other's eyes for a second, then they run off into the sunset to get married.

So they live happily ever after.

THE END